


A Scrap from an Abandoned Timeline

by AbbieNormal



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, but no character deaths, trigger warning for suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:01:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27742663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbbieNormal/pseuds/AbbieNormal
Summary: The most dangerous thing in the universe is an unstable companion who wants to be just like the Doctor. He learns this the hard way - from the other end of a gun. He's aware that his death will leave the Ponds in peril, but he trusts that Alex won't pull the trigger.
Kudos: 4





	A Scrap from an Abandoned Timeline

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this years ago in a fit of depression to work out some things I was going through. Not sure it's my best work, but I'm trying to see the value in every abandoned timeline. They obviously meant something at the time. I would like to finish this thought one day, maybe. It could at least be tied to a larger story instead of just being an out of context scene lol.
> 
> Alex was an OC I created as a teenager. She's an orphan who became the Doctor's companion. This was me picking her up after a few dormant years and understanding her abandonment issues.

“If you understood exactly how I was feeling, you’d know why I have to do this.”

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“Nobody has to do anything!” she snapped. “But they do it anyway! Nobody ever stops! They just keep going and keep going and never stop to breathe and leave me in the bloody dust! To rot!”

The Doctor swallowed, struggling to follow her frantic train of thought. “What are you saying, Alex? Are you listening to yourself right now? Just slow down a little, and tell me what’s wrong.”

But Alex didn’t seem to hear him, continuing to babble as if trying to convince an unseen audience of something. “So why shouldn’t I? Why the hell shouldn’t I? Just do anything? Why shouldn’t I make a responsible sodding decision for once in my life?”

“Alexia. I’m here, I’m listening, I want to understand. You have to help me understand. I know something has happened to you. There’s no other explanation for you to so suddenly-”

“No.” And just like that, her voice was made up of steel, of icicles, of rotting wood. The gun in her hand raised a little, the barrel pointing up towards his face. “No. Nothing happened to me. Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve always been like this. You’re just seeing it now, for the first time.”

“Seeing what?” But the Doctor was starting to suspect he knew.

“The truth. Too late. I tricked you.” Alex had a hollow chuckle to herself, and sniffed as a tear started to trickle along her nose. “How about that, right? Tricked even you. You have to be really good to do that.”

At once, it all clicked into place. So obvious, now. The Doctor walked towards her, arms out to offer comfort.

“Rule Number One is that the Doctor lies. But do you remember who told you that? Alexia Mitchell, there are things that are far too important to lie about, and you are-”

“Don’t you dare.” Alex’s voice shook. Her fingers did, too. “Don’t you dare start with your usual, you alien freak. You don’t get to do that, not to me. Not to me!”

The Doctor stopped where he stood, waited for her to get a little calmer. After a little while her face crumpled, forlorn.

“I thought I could stop it. I honestly did. I just wanted it to stop. I want to. But it won’t. It just keeps going and won’t shut up, God, I can’t stand it. In my head! It’s all I can hear anymore!”

“Alex...”

“I know what I did! I know, I know, I know already! You don’t have to keep on at me, all the time! I don’t wanna be like this, I’m trying, I’m trying, I can’t help it, I can’t...”

“Hey!” the Doctor shouted. “Hey, listen to me! Nothing else, all right, no-one else. Just listen to me, to the Doctor, to the words that I’m telling you...”

“No,” she hissed. “Stop talking. No. You’re not real. You’re not real!”

“You know full well I am. Just hold on a minute and listen to me.”

“No! Stop it! You are not the one in control here! Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Stop talking!” The tears were streaming down her face now. It looked like she could shatter into pieces at any moment; the whole of her forearm trembled dangerously. “Please stop talking, please stop. All of you, stop it, please.”

The Doctor held up his hands - nothing up my sleeves. “Alexia. Just listen.”

“God, please don’t call me that. I can’t... Stop. Just stop. This isn’t how it goes. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.”

The Doctor watched her closely. “Then how is it supposed to? Tell me. Choose your own adventure.”

Alex flashed a fake smile, licked a stray drop from her lips. “Best case? I beat the monster. I win. I’m the hero.” Another singular, bitter laugh. “I’m the Doctor. That’s not the way it was in my head, but. Yeah. That’s preferable.”

The Doctor took one baby-step towards her. “Go on, then. You’re the Doctor. And...?”

“I’m the Doctor. And I can make gods turn tail with nothing but a paperclip and a monologue.”

The Doctor made a modest ‘oh hush’ kind of motion, and took another tiny step. Then another.

“I’m the Doctor,” Alex said, with more conviction. “I’ve been everywhere and everywhen and I have done more in one afternoon than can be imagined by a generation. I’ve saved so many lives and, oh, I’ll save so. Many. More.”

“So very many stories to tell. Maybe it will never end. And who would want it to? It feels incredible. Never let it end.”

“I’m the Doctor and I’m not scared, I’m not scared, I’m not! I’m never scared.”

“No,” said the Doctor. “But I am. I’m terrified, Doctor. But you’re going to help me, aren’t you.”

“Yeah. I’m the Doctor,” Alex said, voice beginning to crack. “And I... I don’t lose. I don’t ever... I can’t. I need to win. Please just let me win.”

The Doctor smiled. He was arm’s length from her now. “You win.”

Alex shook her head, squeezed her eyes shut. “Not yet. Not yet. But I don’t know how to, I don’t know how. How do I stop it? How do I save the day? How do I make you... How do I make you...? God, I don’t know if I’m supposed to pull the trigger or not. What am I supposed to do here? Is this my Moment? Is this where I...? Doctor.” When they opened again, her eyes were deep green ponds, wet and shimmery. “Doctor, what would you do?”

The Doctor peered at her. “Doctor who? I’m just little old Alex.”

Her teeth bared. “Oh really now? If that’s the case, then you definitely need to die.”

“Why, Doctor? What have I done? Can’t you save me, too?”

Alex’s knuckles turned white. “Not funny. This isn’t a game, Doc. You can’t save her. Me. Wait. No. I’m not... I’m the one not saving you. Except. I would. But I wouldn’t. Um. Pretending to be you is counter-productive now. You wouldn’t be okay with this, would you. My God,” she breathed. “You would never do this. But I don’t know if I can... I need to... Oh I don’t know anymore!”

So close the Doctor could swipe at her hand now if he wanted, try to wrestle the gun free. Instead he kept his hands at shoulder-height. “Only so many times you can switch roles before it gets complicated. Why don’t you choose one and we’ll stick with it, okay.”

“You’re the one who made it confusing!”

“You’re the one who called yourself Doctor. And we can’t both be.”

She sniffed and wiped ineffectually at her eyes with her sleeve. “No. No, we can’t.”

The Doctor reached out both hands, rubbed her tears away with his thumbs. He was pleasantly surprised when Alex didn’t flinch away from his touch. The gun was still aimed at his chest but had lowered now.

“Doctor,” she croaked. “I’m just so desperate not to be me right now.”

The Doctor wished with all his hearts that there was more he could do.

He cupped her face in his palms and closed his eyes. He tucked a loose curl of hair behind Alex’s ear.

"Who would you like to be?" he asked. "Describe her to me. We can practice if you want, go over all your lines before you kill me."

Alex laughed. It felt almost genuine.

"I’m serious. The girl in your head, that you’re trying to reach, what’s she like?"

Her voice sounded child-like even to her own ears. "She’s really smart. And kind. Really brave, like... So strong, she can do everything. Just... confident. She doesn’t care. She never gets things wrong, but when she does, it still works out and she doesn’t care. It doesn’t hurt."

"That’s not a person, Alex. That’s a group of ideals."

"Nope. I know people like that. They’re good people. And I am not like them. I’m not like Kira, I’m not like Rani, I’m not like Amy. I’m not like you or Rory or Clyde or anyone."

"Well that’s good, isn’t it? Nobody is better at being you than you. There’s only one Alex Mitchell. Why don’t you be Alex for me? Eh? What would she do? What does she want?"

 _I don’t even know anymore,_ she realised. _Just to feel safe, maybe._

"She’d want things to change," she said, because she couldn’t think of something more heroic to say. "To step up and make something happen instead of just waiting for things to get better. She’d want me to take a stand, to take action - like you always do. That’s the whole point. I’m not like you, Doctor, and I hate it. I’m never good enough, never strong enough. I’m just... this."

Gently, the Doctor lowered his hands, stepped backwards with his stance wide, brazen. "Let’s try that then. Let’s be 'this'."

"What?"

"I don’t know “this” very well. So tell me about 'this'. Tell me all about 'this'."

She just looked at him, bewildered.

"What is 'this'? What is Alex Mitchell now? What are you to me?"

"I... don’t know. I don’t know. I think she’s dead."

"No," said the Doctor. "Not while I’m here and breathing, staring her right in the face."

"She’s dead," said Alex through her teeth. "Alex Mitchell doesn’t exist anymore. I can be better than that now. Let me end her. Let her die."

"That’s not true. Alex Mitchell has barely begun. You’re mistaking growth for change and change for regeneration. You don’t have to abandon your own brain to survive what’s going on inside it. You don’t have to become a different person. And honestly? Personally? I’d rather have you."

 _How dare you,_ Alex thought, with a sudden ice-cold flare in her core. _How dare you try to tear this from me? And you’re not even being clever about it! You’re treating me like an amateur! Like I’m not even worth the effort!_

'You changed." She had meant it as an accusation, but it came out sounding more like a plea.

The Doctor just looked at her sadly. Why was he looking at her like that? Like he wasn’t scared of her, like he wasn’t angry at her. She didn’t understand. That made her furious.

"Why are you just standing there?" she demanded. "Why are you not trying? Why aren’t you threatening me, waving the sonic around, telling me how scary you are and how I shouldn’t mess with you? Not that it would actually benefit you in this case, but I was wondering what you would do... if it was me. Has a friend, a travelling helper, really never turned on you, ever? With all your cleverness, I’d wondered if you’d be prepared for something like that. But you don’t have a plan at all, do you?"

The Doctor narrowed his eyes, almost like he were scrutinising her. Internally, Alex scolded herself. _But what if he’s making one up right now? That’s the other thing he does, plays by ear. Damn it! He was distracting you, looking for a thread to pull. Let you indulge in a fantasy, just for a second. He’s trying to play you, pull you back to his side, make you feel like you’re his special little girl, make you feel just like a..._

The realisation hit her like a kick to the chest.

"It’s because I’m just a kid." Alex felt herself harden, felt something in her light on fire. "You think I’m a good person, worthy of being saved, just because I’m still a kid."

The Doctor’s hand raised again in makeshift surrender. Or perhaps he was reaching out to her. "Alexia-"

"Stop calling me that." She pointed the barrel squarely between the Doctor’s eyes. "That is a child’s name, a fairy-tale name. I am twenty years old, and sick to the back teeth of being underestimated. That trick might work on Amy, might melt her like chocolate on a warm day, but it will not work on me. I know you and I know your tricks."

She wasn’t supposed to be listening to him. She knew that, but somehow she couldn’t stop. Was it the sound of his voice, itself? The words he was saying just slid off her, bounced away as if from a forcefield. But they didn’t leave, either. They kept... buzzing. Flies. Larvae. Worming their way in.

Why? Why was she taking it? He wasn’t even saying anything all that special. He was... buying time, yes, that had to be it. He didn’t have a plan. He was on the losing side.

'This isn’t a trick, Alex. Well, I would say that, wouldn’t I. But honestly. Look at me. This isn’t a trick.'

_There was an old lady who swallowed a fly._

"If I were older, if I were someone else, you’d kill me. Why are you just talking to me? Putting me under your spell. You know me too well, you know I’d listen. You’ll tell me my friends have flaws, that you’re flawed, and that I love you in spite of that." She swallowed thickly. "Doctor, I have never loved anyone in the world more than you and I am not. Listening."

She had fleeting images of other worlds, pulses of intense emotion, flakes of esoteric science and history, remembered what it had been like to oh so briefly be a Time Lord. She’d felt powerful. She’d felt important. Cosmically so.

It had felt like what she did mattered.

"You really should be listening to yourself, you know," said the Doctor sagely. "It’s quite the performance you’re putting on. I’d give you a BAFTA."

She needed him to be quiet. Really, really needed him.

"This isn’t an act, Doctor, I mean it. I want you dead."

"But do you? You seem very hesitant. You literally just told me you loved... actually never mind, people who’ve married me have tried to murder me so I’ll just let that one slide, shall I? Semantics."

"I want. You. Gone. So I can take your place. It’s that simple."

"Very, theoretically, simple, yes. And yet... nah."

She gaped at him. The sheer nerve. "Nah?"

"Nah. Wouldn’t work. This big plan of yours to, what, get people to pay attention to you by conveying exactly how you feel? Nah. You’ve not thought it through."

_Why, oh why, did she swallow the fly. Perhaps she’ll die._

"How do you know?" she cried. "How do you know I’m not going to make the entire world, entire worlds, feel my pain?"

The Doctor shrugged. It seemed flippant in the face of her outrage. "I have no reason to believe that. I’m not saying you couldn’t, I’m just doubting your resolve."

He was mocking her. Talking down to her like she had no idea what she was talking about, like it was a cheap ploy for attention. He wasn’t listening. She was going through hell and he didn’t even seem to care.

Why hadn’t she killed him already?

"You think I care about consequences right now? I don’t give a damn about anything! Who cares? If I get shot dead on the spot by some security despot, who cares. If you get shot dead... well. You’ll be mourned the universe over, but that’s just you, eh."

The Doctor seemed to consider this a moment, then dismiss it. "Yes, I imagine there’s a lot of people who’d want to know about the child who murdered the last Time Lord. Great infamy in that. Great importance. You could publish a bestselling memoir about it. Under a pen name, presumably. What would the New Old New York Times say about it?"

"My god, have you always been this annoying or have I just been brainwashed by your shining light this whole time?"

He laughed. Actually laughed in her face, and heartily, while she pointed a gun at his head. "Oh sweetheart, if you think I’m annoying now, you should’ve met me when I was younger. I was downright obnoxious."

"You really want to test me? I am your worst nightmare: a traitor within your own ranks. I am disgusting, and evil, and I am exactly the kind of villain you always save the world from. I was born wrong, and bad, and you know what happens to big bads in the finale."

"No." It was a voice like thunder. And he was right up in her face suddenly, towering over her, in only a couple of long strides. ‘No. You’re no grand super-villain. You are a child having a temper tantrum because you’re not getting what you want when you want it. And d’you know what you do with badly behaved children? You take all their toys away, and you tell them a particularly scary story about clockwork men that only view people as a source of inferior spare parts. You tell a story of living silver suits of armour who view the people inside them as little more than a bad start. You tell them what’s lurking in the true darkness of the universe, what’s actually out there hunting people and killing for sport. Gruesome fairy tales are the ones that tend to make the message stick. So what’s the moral of tonight’s fable, Alexia? Don’t eat up promises, eat the witch instead? Chop off your toes to make them fit in the glass slipper?"

Alex didn’t know. She knew only this: she was bad, and needed to be dealt with.

But even then she couldn’t be certain.

"No," said the Doctor again. "The moral is that self-improvement involves as little bloodshed as possible."

_Who am I? A tiny, reckless part of her was screaming. Why am I here? Why is he here with me?_

Did he want her to try it? He had deliberately stepped into the line of fire, had put himself in greater danger, seemingly on a whim. Was it all just for dramatic effect? He had forced the gun to point back at his left heart. He was deciding how this played out.

Why hadn’t she killed him?

"After the kinds of things I’ve seen and beaten, something like you would never be able to stop something like me. After all that... a temper tantrum really is just that. And I’ll treat it as such." It was a strangely gentle anger - all boom and no blast.

Hold on. Not anger.

Despair.

The Doctor straightened his bow-tie as he spoke, and then each of his cuffs. "Now I’m going to let you scream, and shout, and swear. Even shoot at me if you absolutely must. Let you make a big scene and use up all your energy. And then, once you’ve calmed down and are ready to talk to me like a grown-up..."

"No, no, just... talking! Stop talking to me! Just stop, just stop, just stop! Why won’t you do anything else! I dunno, punch me or something! Just... something! Hurt me, why won’t you hurt me?"

He was the bringer of darkness, the oncoming storm, the murderer of whole worlds. One of the most dangerous creatures in the known universe. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to harm one defenseless little girl? Pathetic.

She knew she was holding back. And he was, too, she knew that now. She wasn’t sure why.

The Doctor’s expression was unreadable. "Do you want me to hurt you?" he asked, so quiet.

A muscle in Alex’s leg twitched. "That’s not the point. Answer the question."

Why was her heart beating so hard, so fast? She couldn’t quite bear to look him in the eye anymore, but found she couldn’t tear her gaze away, either. It was as if he had her pinned, but without so much as touching her. He was close enough now that he could probably grab her gun hand and pull her into a hold of some kind, but he wasn’t doing that. Was he even thinking about it?

She was the one in control here.

Right? She was.

 _Go on,_ she willed herself. _If you keep waiting like this, he’ll talk you down or do something clever. You have to stop him doing that if you want to succeed. You know how he operates. So you can resist it. All you have to do is shut him up._

"I do everything I can to not hurt people," the Doctor replied, finally. "Comes with the title. Not that I’m the most responsible person in the universe, but my hearts are always in the right places. Where’s yours right now, Alex? Are you attempting to force me into doing something I’ll regret? Because hey, now, that’s just cruel."

It would be so easy to shut him up for good.

It would also be easy to imagine that this was some last line of defence, that the Doctor had gotten too close, planted an idea in her head, was staying her hand with some sort of hypnotic command. That wasn’t what was happening.

Why hadn’t he killed her? Why had he done nothing at all to stop her?

_There was an old lady who swallowed a spider. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. But why, oh why, did she swallow the fly?_

Stories he’d told her flooded her mind. She imagined the last of the Racnoss, consumed in flames. She imagined the death throes of the Pyroviles. She imagined an army of Daleks sucked into the howling Void. She imagined Richard Lazarus, dying in a blitzkrieg of sound courtesy of a cathedral organ and the sonic screwdriver.

She remembered the Dreamcatcher’s bloodcurdling screams as it scattered into raindrops, overwhelmed by every second of the Doctor’s long existence.

They weren’t victims. They had been poised to kill, springing traps they’d set themselves. The best word to describe them was monsters, and the best thing to do with monsters was to fight them.

_He shouldn’t feel guilty for that. He shouldn’t let guilt stop him from killing me._

_What? No, no! You don’t care, remember? It won’t matter how it feels if you kill him. It won’t matter if he kills you._

The coil in Alex’s gut was tense to the point of breaking. Was this what it was like on the other side of the equation? To be faced with this man, just by himself?

_Would he actually do that? If I pushed him hard enough? Do I want that?_

_No, stop listening to him, stop thinking about it! Stop thinking about him!_

_But he could, couldn’t he. You know he could._

_There was something he wasn’t saying, wasn’t there? His secret. That it was the Doctor who-_

"So look," said the Doctor. "Are you going to kill me or not, because time’s really ticking away here."

The coil snapped. _Perhaps she’ll die._

Alex growled, threw both arms out to shove him in the stomach. He barely staggered. "Can you not even offer the basic human decency to take this seriously?"

"'Seriously'?" the Doctor echoed. "Oh, I can do seriously. I can make this all go very differently, if you really want. I can be your parole officer. But I was rather hoping to be a doctor today."

"I thought that you were my saviour," she hissed. "I thought you could change things. Change me. I thought you would make me into something better."

"I know." The Doctor never took his eyes off her. "And I’m sorry you thought that."

"All I want is to be treated the same as an adult."

"Oh... you really don’t want me to do that," he told her darkly.

"I’ve never wanted anything else from anyone! I just want someone to take me seriously! To take me for who I actually am, and not who they hope I grow up to be very, very soon. I don’t want to be yelled at! I want people to be happy that I’m different instead of horrified! I want people to find out what I’m really like, and then... and then stick around anyway. See, if I take your place, I can get away with it. I can be stark raving mad, but people will think it’s the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen because it’s you. People flock to you, you see. You make them want to be better just to impress you. There are so many people who would walk into the bowels of Hell for you if you just asked. I want to be just like you, Doctor. If I was you, I could be... absolutely incredible."

"Oh but it takes more than a key to the TARDIS and some quick words to be me."

Alex took the deepest of breaths, then shrugged. "True enough."

There are two options in an unwinnable situation. Adapt... or die.

Without looking at it, she flipped the gun over so that the barrel was pointed at herself. She felt brave. She knew now she was strong enough for this.

"Then I’ll be your greatest enemy instead. I could make a good Master, don’t you think? Or I guess I would be more of a Mistress. Hmm, need better names, really. But we’d be considered equals, at last. You could fight me and chase me and love me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. At least until I died. Obviously. You’d have to kill me, in the end. Only way to end it. But, sure, primus inter pares, eh? If you’ll pardon my Welsh."

The Doctor blinked. "I’m starting to think your mind actually got altered somewhere in the middle of all this. Because this. This is so much. I absolutely would have noticed this. No way every word of this is all you. On some level, yes perhaps, but not all... this. It’s too sudden. Too unfocused."

"That would be so much easier, wouldn’t it. You could kill me in good conscience, then."

"Oh I could never kill you, Alex. But what about you? Could you kill? Really?"

 _I deserve no less than this,_ she thought.

She clicked her tongue at him, flipped the gun to face forward again. "Exterminate." She pronounced it deliberately slow, with emphasis on every consonant.

"Nobody ever committed genocide on an impulse," warned the Doctor. "Nobody ever killed themselves without a good hard think about it beforehand."

"Oh trust me. I’ve thought about it."

It had surprised her how calm he looked. But she knew him. That shell was starting to crack. The Doctor, the oh-so-great Doctor, last of his kind, was facing an enemy who wanted to be defeated, and as violently as possible at that. Crisis of morals.

"Don’t pretend you’re not worried," she said. "Don’t pretend you’re not realising you never really knew me. That I wasn’t... what you expected. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t be a tiny bit glad. If I turned this thing back around. Pulled the trigger. Make things a whole lot easier now for ya, wouldn’t it. If I just did what I’ve been wanting to do this whole time."

One of his hands balled up into a fist, just briefly, before relaxing again. A muscle in his jaw tightened. "That’s not going to happen."

She smiled. "Isn’t it?"

"Never. Because the only way that thing’s firing is if it’s pointing at me."

"You’re so sure about that?"

"Absolutely."

"Oh. And why is that, then?"

"Because I’m not going to do anything to stop you." He stood up perfectly straight, clasped both hands behind his back. "You can go right ahead and shoot yourself if you like. I promise I won’t lunge for it. But before you do that, I’d like you to consider the alternative: shoot me instead. Take the TARDIS key and make a run for it. Leave Amy and Rory behind, too. Up to you."

Alex was careful not to betray her reaction. "Just like that?"

"Just like that. The TARDIS would even let you in, too. I’ll tell it to. After that, it’s simple enough. The flight computer is, well, let’s just say it’s fairly intuitive. You’d be the one in charge. Your own time machine. You could do anything you wanted. You could break any and all rules of the universe. All you’d have to do is kill me. Win-win."

She’d won. Alex knew she’d beaten the Doctor. Had actually won. That’s why he was so calm - he knew there was nothing else he could do. Either could or would. Whichever it was didn’t matter. He couldn’t even kill her. He had tried being compassionate, had tried being rude, had tried being scary. And now he was done. He just kept looking at her like a cat left out in the rain. He could easily try to stop her, like he said, but he wasn’t trying.

He was continuing to deny her, somehow. It didn’t make sense.

"Make sure to hit both hearts right after one another. Don’t you dare hesitate. Give it, say, three bullets each, perhaps another three for the head if you’re very angry. One for each brain stem; you’ll need good aim. And you’ll want to watch for a while, too, just in case. Do you have enough ammunition in that thing to kill me as many times as may be necessary? Time Lords are stubborn, you see, and stuck-up fools who love the sound of their own voice. Whatever you do, we take a very long time to die. I’m sure you’ll want to get a camera. Livestream the final hours of the Doctor."

She just stared at him. "And why would I do that, then? Why would I murder the heroes of this story? Why wouldn’t I just... take care of the problem myself?"

"I don’t know," he admitted. "I suppose... because I asked you to? Is enough of our friendship still rattling around in there that you’ll grant me one last request?"

_Don’t pretend you’re doing this for my sake. Don’t pretend that matters to you. That I matter to you._

The Doctor was looking right at her. His hands were still: there was no fiddling back there, no fumbling. No escape plan.

What if... What if she didn’t have to actually finish him off? What if she just... ran?

_No. Couldn’t. Consequences._

Why was she hesitating? She could take the key and be free of judgement forever. She could leave them all behind. Was it because of Amy and Rory that she was hesitating?

"There are no rules here now," he said, as if he knew just what she was thinking. "No parents, fake or otherwise. No monsters forcing you to do anything. No authority. No laws. No witnesses. You can do whatever you want to me. Anything you want to the TARDIS. To Amy, Rory... anyone. To..." He swallowed. "To yourself. No-one can stop you, and no-one can punish you afterwards. And if anyone tried, all you’d have to do is disappear."

Alex thought about it. It sounded like the ultimate freedom.

"Do it and no-one will tell you off, or hold you to account. ‘Specially not yours truly."

Alex looked down at the gun in her hand. It would be so easy to shut the Doctor up. Very easy. Point-blank.

"You’re on your own. No-one but yourself to blame."

He let that sink in.

"It’s up to you. Your choice. I made my own choice already. Will yours be any different? Do what you want."

Alex was sure she could feel something inside her, around her, working into her like roots and damp in an old wall. She could almost feel it starting to eat away at her.

"My life is in your hands, Alex. Literally in your hands. Now be a hero. Save someone’s life. It’s okay if that life is yours."

She couldn’t make herself move.

_Exterminate._

Alex shuddered, physically pulled back. _I should’ve been in that house with them. It should’ve been me._

She looked up into the Doctor’s tired, old, young face. _It should’ve been you. But you’re still going. You feel the same way I do, don’t you. Except you just... keep going._

"It’s not easy, is it?"

Something was echoing in her. A hollow, objectless grief. The sense that this shouldn’t have happened, sliding without difficulty into a sense of helplessness. Too familiar.

"No," she croaked. "It’s not."

_You feel the same way I do. And I’m... I’m not okay with that. You deserve better. And you think..._

This sudden clarity... It was like something had been lifted from her. Whatever blood-red haze had been consuming her was finally dissipating. And yet, with that load gone, she felt suddenly too heavy to stand. This was the thing she’d been trying so hard, so long, to avoid. She’d just been running and running and running and...

 _Don’t put a name to it,_ she told herself. _Don’t think about it. Just... do it. Just do it. Just do it. Stop thinking about it. Stop listening to that voice. Once he’s quiet, it’s all over. It’ll all be over._

Alex waited for the Doctor to say something else. When he didn’t, the grief amplified.

_I don’t want to. If he’s gone, that’s it. That’s actually it. He’s all there is._

His voice cancelled out all the others in her head - the tiny, niggling ones that kept saying so many horrible things. He just effortlessly shouted over them - he was good at that. At gaining control. That was why she couldn’t stop listening.

_I need you to be... The world needs you to be... But me? You’d give all that up for just me? Why shouldn’t I just...?_

His life was so absolutely ridiculous that she couldn’t help but believe every word he ever said. Even when he was blatantly lying. And there was that slim, slim chance that he could say something she had never, ever believed... and she’d... she’d just...

_Save a life. It’s okay if that life is yours._

But in the real world, she couldn’t rely on the Doctor to say something nice every time she needed him to. Somehow, she had to learn to do it herself. And that was difficult. And. And.

Her hand was shaking. Every muscle in her body ached. She’d started crying again, at some point, hadn’t even noticed. She saw this with a clinical distance.

"I’m scared," she admitted quietly.

She had never loved anyone more than the Doctor. And she’d never known anyone more loved than the Doctor. And she wanted. God, she wanted just a tiny, selfish piece of that. Just enough to keep her alive.

"I know you’re scared, Alex. So many things in life are scary. And you know what? Life is always better than death. Always. And do you know what that means?"

Alex shook her head, in a daze.

"It means you should never, ever try to be like me."

_Do you honestly believe in your hearts that I deserve better?_

"Doctor," she said, plainly. The pistol felt warm and sticky in her grasp. "I feel like people have kept abandoning me, all my life. And in my head I know it’s not my fault, but also in my head it’s completely my fault, y’know? Because why else would it keep happening? And... And you’re eleven different kinds of amazing and I know that I can never measure up to that, so... I don’t feel like a hero, or like I should even be here, like I haven’t earned any of these nice, cool things, or you, or... I mean... I guess what I’m saying is I feel like I’m always waiting for you to walk out on me too. Without wanting to come back, I mean. You’re so cool, and good, and brave and kind and clever and, and I’m so... me, I’m so nothing and I... I just want to be like you. And I want you to tell me you hate me, just so’s I don’t have to hear it later when I’m not braced for it, but also if you actually said you hated me I dunno what I’d do, because you’re one of my best friends in the whole entire world and also like my biggest idol and I, I even thought for a bit that... it’s so stupid but I felt like... maybe... you could be my... instead... But I’m not good enough. I could never be..."

"Alex." The Doctor was holding out a hand to her, palm side up. "I’d much rather have you. Just exactly as you are. Alive. And here, with me. Just talking." He smiled. "Also perhaps hugging."

Alex took a step closer. "Will you make it stop? Please?"

The smile vanished instantly. "I don’t think it’s that simple. I wish it were."

“Doctor. It hurts.”

“Yes, I know. That’s part of being human.”

“As if you would know.”

“You think I don’t?”

The gun wobbled. Alex grabbed her wrist to steady it.

“You could feel like this? You, of all people?”

The Doctor nodded. “Not all the time. Not so much, now. But for a while... quite a while, yes. I felt it. Occasionally look back on it.”

Alex lowered her arm.

“This is how you felt... all the time?”

“Oh yes,” the Doctor said quietly. “And doesn’t it just drive you mad?”

“Wow.” Alex considered this for a minute. Then she asked, “Are you okay?”

“You know me, Alex. I’m always okay. But shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”

Alex dabbed at her teary face with her sleeve and lowered her head. “Oh, Doctor. I’m... I don’t... I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me... but I’m... I’m sorry. I messed up. I just couldn’t do it, I...”

“Hey.”

She looked up. The Doctor made a silent ‘come hither’ motion. He looked relieved now more than anything else.

Zombie-like, Alex turned the gun onto its side and handed it to the Doctor. He took it, pocketed it.

"I was trying so hard not to listen to you," she murmured.

"People usually don’t."

"They’re normally the bad guys. Or idiots." She gazed up at him. "Am I a bad guy... or an idiot?"

"Neither." The Doctor reached out to brush the straggled hair back from her face. "And to answer your earlier question... My friends have turned on me plenty of times before now. And if you’re under the impression that it would make us not friends anymore, you’d be sorely mistaken. I don’t give in easily. Stubborn old fool, me."

"Ha. Sounds familiar."

"This may come as a surprise to you, but I was young, once. A rebellious teenager skiving off school, having problems with authority and suchlike. I do understand these things, y’know. You could have just come to me at any point."

"I... I know." She buried her face in her hands. "Or I thought I knew. God, what have I done. What was I even thinking. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I just needed you to... I needed someone to... I don’t know. I don’t know what happened."

"It’s all right," he said, and hugged her to him. "I’m not angry. I promise I’m not angry."

She smirked; a harsh jerk of the jaw. "Just disappointed?"

"Not in you. Never in you. You were right, Alex, I should have been paying attention. I let you down, and for that I can only apologise."

She shook her head. "‘S’not your fault. You couldn’t know."

"That you were in agony? I could and should have known. Probably did know and ignored it, hoping it’d go away. Got distracted. Truth be told, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be young. At your age you don’t want to look cool. You need to look cool, to make sure people are looking. You were performing your best and I wasn’t watching. I’m sorry."

"Some people’s best is... not that good."

"I agree. But here’s the kicker." He drummed his fingers on the top of her head. "Every once in a while there is someone quite extraordinary. And those are the ones I try to keep around. Those are the ones who tell me when I’m being an idiot, or have let them down." He smoothed her hair again - no matter how old she got, she always felt safer behind that curtain of hair. Then he went on, "Alexia Mitchell, did you honestly get it into your silly head that you aren’t absolutely vital to the universe?"

Alex smiled for some reason. "I’m really, really not."

"Oh but you are. Sure, time would always continue on without you, but it would never be the same. It’s never the same afterwards, not ever. There is a shape carved into the black monolith that is eternity, and that shape is exactly your shape. Exactly." He was rubbing her back now, up and down, up and down, as he spoke to her. He could be so gentle. "And once that mold has been filled up to the brim with thoughts and feelings and ideas and sheer unrivaled presence, it gets sealed up behind you and anyone who did not happen to be around at an exact good moment to witness it... Well." The other hand came up, raised her chin to look at him. And god, he looked so sad. "They have no idea what they’ve missed. There are reasons time doesn’t stop, Alex. If time ever paused for a moment to mourn all the good people that have passed by, it would never be able to get going again. And that just wouldn’t do now, would it? All that’d do is deny the opportunity to mourn the next lot."

"Doctor..."

"No, no. You’ve talked a lot already so I’m laying down rules. No more talk from you if it’s self-deprecating or telling me I’m wrong. You say something nice, now, or you say nothing at all."

Alex considered this.

"You certainly think highly of me," she said carefully.

"I certainly do. That’s a decent start, but could have done without the sarcasm. What if every time someone complimented you, I rang a little bell? I’ll Pavlov you into being a little kinder to yourself."

"What are you even trying to say?"

"I’m saying that your life is significant. More importantly, it’s significant to me. And even more importantly, you don’t seem to realise it."

Alex had the horrific urge to laugh. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. She knocked her head into his shirt - not exactly a headbutt, but not exactly unlike one.

"How? Doctor, how can you not be angry? I’ve been so bad."

"No. You’ve been suffering." And what was up with his voice, now? Kind of shaky, but also stern. Strange. "It’d be very hypocritical of me to fault you for acting based on that."

"I was going to kill you."

"And you didn’t."

"I was going to kill you because I hate myself."

"And you didn’t. And you shouldn’t. Being kind or being evil, it isn’t a state of being, Alex. It’s a choice you make over and over and over again - and it says something that you’ve continued to make good choices throughout your suffering. You’ve had plenty of opportunities to enact that same thing on others, to get justice or sympathy or whatever it may be... and you didn’t."

"I did what the bad guys do, Doctor. All the bolstering, all the threatening. It was exactly the same and you know it. Why wouldn’t you kill me? Or just stop me, at least?"

"I told you. I could never kill you, Alex."

She looked up at him pleadingly. His hands had returned to cupping her face, and she didn’t know how she felt about that. Something was wrong about it.

"So you’d have just let me?" she demanded. It was a weak demand, through a sob, but still counted. "You’d have let me go right ahead and kill you dead? Last of the Time Lords? Ponds doomed forever?"

"I just staked my life on it, didn’t I? I believed in you. I trust you to make good choices."

"You were so sure I wouldn’t do it?"

He nodded.

"Were you lying, then, when you said there’d be no consequences?"

"No. You really could have killed me, and there really would have been no consequences. Your actions were all your own to take. I wouldn’t have come after you angrily."

She smiled. "Not sure you speak for Amy on that one."

"Ah, you’d be surprised."

Something just wasn’t right. Alex traced his arm with her hand. Still raised. His fingertips stayed at her temple, refused to fall away to his side.

The urge to laugh came from nowhere again, and this time she allowed it. _For god’s sake, Doctor. I could still change my mind._

"How long has this not been real?" she asked.


End file.
